Elle Vampa

All it took was one glance outside for me to make a run for it…

As I was putting away my newly bought vacuum cleaner in my newly bought sofa (you read that right, in the sofa! I thank the Universe and Ikea for that), I heard a voice outside asking my neighbour to move her car.

I looked up, curious as I was.

I looked out, nosy as I was.

And I shrieked, horrified as I became.

I Usain Bolt-ed to my bathroom and dumped the heaviest thing I could find onto the closed lid of the toilet.

Sewer guys.

Now, when I was a child, we had a visit from the predecessors of the men outside. They flushed the sewage system with some demonic device that, from what I could tell, had not changed at all in about 30 years.

And when they did, whatever was inside the drainage pipes shot right back up and out – which, to say the least, was a very sh*tty experience.

(I am not above that pun, it needed to be made.)

So, as I spotted these good men outside I closed my toilet ASAP.

Phew, crisis averted.

Or so I thought.

After the flushing of the sewer, a very poopy smell danced around my neighbourhood for… I’d say half an hour or so.

This was the starting signal for hordes of fruit flies to initiate their invasion.

It started in my kitchen, as they insisted on covering the walls and ceiling. They came in through every outing there was, turning exits into entrances.

More than an appropriate number made their way into my living room (which was and most likely will be the only time I cursed myself for removing the kitchen-to-living-room-door to create more space).

Then a very thick regular fly (the cavalry!) decided to move into my bathroom… where he lived for three days before I finally swatted him down.

Another wave of the Invasion Of The Fruit Flies started crawling in through my bedroom vents, but I blocked them by closing said vents – and the window.

Some fly-spies tried to overtake my degu cage – from the inside! I was having none of it, though! Casualties occurred, but luckily no fluffy being got hurt.

(Touch my degus and you’re a dead fly!)

I’d just spend my entire day off cleaning my apartment and being proud of myself for it.

Yet there I was, with my newly bought vacuum cleaner stored away in my newly bought sofa, being surrounded by fruit flies.

They. Were. Everywhere!

Removing trash, covering vents, closing windows… amounted to little. They kept coming.

All that was left for me to do, was to sit it out.

So I took a gulp of wine (making sure to cover my glass after every sip. No need for extra proteins floating about in it) and kept swatting fruit fly after fruit fly after fruit fly. And the regular one in the bathroom.

It took two days and three glasses of wine, but then the Invasion lifted.

Guess I was the fly-est after all 🍷🪰