It’s uncanny how words can captivate us, and how they can also set us free.
Today marks a cumulative strange day, just another one added to a year filled with personal extremities and too little time to work through them peacefully.
Mind you, in less than 365 days I’ve managed to find the love of my life, almost lose my mother, witness my father’s will deteriorate and reach the one goal I set for myself for 2026: move out.
(Okay, so technically I haven’t moved out yet, but I am getting there as my apartment is slowly taking on better shapes – yay!)
I am standing on the sidewalk near my parents’ house, saying goodbye to my best friend who went out of her way to go furnace-shopping with me today – a task we’d set the entire afternoon for as a deadline and which cost us a little less than 40 minutes. Now that’s hot stuff right there!
Anyway, my mother, also out on the sidewalk and also saying goodbye to my best friend, has just launched into a new “merrily joking” rant of “Oh noooo, my dautgher is abandoning me!”
I’ve told her on many occasions these rants instil a massive feeling of guilt directly into my heart, tearing that gaping wound bigger with every hurled “unmeant” word, and she keeps reassuring me I needn’t feel guilty at all, only to repeat the cycle.
Unknown
“A daughter may outgrow your lap, but she will never outgrow your heart”
I cannot win – I stay home, I grow unhappy and overworked. Not even mentioning the stress from taking care of two elderly folks.
I leave to be on my own and my mother is left alone having to take care of my father, who’s growing more dependent by the day. Again not mentioning the stress involved.
Her words hurt and imprison me.
But this time, just before I fall into my usual contradiction of her preaching (that never leads to a victory, by the way), my friend proves why she is the best:
“But Elle, it’s a good thing you’re moving out. Because now you can be the daughter again, instead of the caregiver!”
And those words… they set me free.
Because they are true.
Even if I remain the caregiver for my parents, by moving out I no longer have to be so 24/7.
I can still be there for them, while simultaneously being there for me. And I need me, too! A lot, in fact. I need me a lot if I wish to grow stronger out of this 365-day madness.
Without guilt, I wave my friend off and walk my mom the remaining 10 steps back home – our home.
Maybe for not much longer, but it’ll do for now.
Elle Vampa 