Elle Vampa

When I was a child time could not pass fast enough. I wanted to be big, be an adult. Go to college, get a job, discover the World in my own pace.

When I got older, time suddenly started to pass rapidly, frightening me with its speed – it’s like I’ve given it a whirl so powerful it won’t stop passing anymore!

The passage of time used to make me feel like I gained a lot by it, whereas today it feels like it equals loss.

Loss of friends. Loss of childhood dreams. Loss of loved ones.

Sometimes I yearn for a time machine so badly, my chest hurts.

This week, I played online Cluedo for the first time since my friend died. I mean, really played it. Not half-heartedly starting up a game and barely finishing it. The real-deal.

I even picked his favourite character to be used by my AI opponent – so I could kick his non-existing butt in the same manner I used to do my real-existing friend’s.

It felt like a sad milestone. It’s like he’s here, but he’s not. Made me miss him more.

Then there is my business – the next thing high on my Action List (don’t call it a To Do List, you’ll never work through it!). I’ve spent well over a year now without any clients and it infrustrates me (that’s infuriating + frustration combined for you).

But. I don’t have enough time to invest in my business, between being at work, in love, finding a place to live, and taking care of my parents.

Time – see? Not enough of it.

And then there are my parents. I see them grow older every day. They turn me into a live witness of what becoming less able can look like.

I wish for more time with them. Happy, healthy, worry-free time.

My dad recently had a scary moment; we had family over for dinner and I was ordering pizza’s for everyone, except for him. He doesn’t eat pizza.

Usually, we get him something else, no problem. This time, he cried because he thought we were forgetting about him.

As time passes, it’s harder to look at my parents and not feel overwhelmed with sadness or grief; even though they’re still here, they’re moving away from me. To a place I can’t reach.

Their time is running out and I am trying to fool myself into ignorance.

I wish I could go back to the days when I was a child. When Summer was still Summer. When my dad never cried and my mom was never sick.

Those days felt like they’d last forever.

Would I have appreciated them more if I had known the future?

Maybe. Probably not.

Perhaps not all changes time reveals are bad, for I am now more grateful for every day I am given.

But you know, time… you could still slow down. Even just for a bit.

I wouldn’t mind it too much if we’d get a little extra.