I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing
I suspect my soul must look an awful lot like an improvised mummy, what with all the duct tape holding me together.
Unfortunately, it seems the sticky sturdiness has been slacking somewhat lately; a few corners having come loose here and there, making me crack.
It is early December and I am facing my mother’s refrigerator. A massive, white appliance, demanding its space in the tiny kitchen.
I am here. Do not ignore me. You shall worship my exterior.
(Its exterior is hung with covered in fridge magnets.)
‘Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don’t break even
And right there, in the middle of all the colourful madness collected in many years and many countries, is my family.
Magnetised pictures of me, my parents, my sisters.
And my nephew and nieces.
The last time I saw my nephew and eldest niece was well over a year ago. Right before my sister decided she hates us and broke with our entire family.
They say bad things happen for a reason
For well over a year, I’ve pondered. I’ve searched the depths of my soul, trying to find the monster she makes me feel I am. To understand what I did wrong.
But I can’t find a thing.
I honest-to-God-and-everything-that’s-sacred-if-only-I-knew-I-would-tell-you-all-REALLY DON’T KNOW.
While I’m wide awake, she’s no trouble sleepin’
All of our magnetised, framed images on my mother’s fridge lost the connection with my sister. Contact is colder than the contents of its buzzing carrier of frozen food.
‘Cause she’s moved on while I’m still grievin’
It’s early December, my nephew’s birthday.
I stare at his tiny picture and a pang of hurt peels away at a corner of the duct tape holding my personal pieces together.
“I miss you,” I silently whisper.
What else can I do?
My mother knows.
“So… she’s got a website she posts photos on, right?”
I look at my mom, not sure where this is going.
“Well, I was just thinking… What if she put pictures of her kids on there?”
Half an hour later, more duct tape comes loose and the tears flow freely. It’s like a dam broke clean in half.
There are pictures of my nephew and niece online!
And for the first time in well over a year, I can see them again!
It feels… bittersweet.
What am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up that you’re okay?
Bitter, because I’m on the outside of a window looking in. I’m not allowed to see them, but here I am! Whoops.
I wonder, do they ever think about me? Do they miss me? Like I miss them?
And sweet, because they look happy. Taller. Healthy.
The next part of the song sings about falling to pieces.
But I refuse to.
I am grieving intensely, yes.
However, I keep holding myself together – with spiritual duct tape. Layer after layer if I must.
Until the day comes I’ll finally meet them again. And that day will come.
I promise.
Musical quotations from the song “Breakeven” by The Script:
Elle Vampa 