Elle Vampa

nothing
changes, all remains equally dull and excruciatingly desperate, grey days blending into black

never
finding a way out, change my style of breathing for the better, finding hope in what was lost, trying too hard to become new in old ways

nowhere
can I find the door that leads to the true me, locked inside, eager for acceptance, longing for a stroll in the warm sunshine, free of all suppressants

Elle Vampa – Nothing Never Nowhere

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Gosh I’ve been feeling so down lately. Is it the weather? Is it the Winter? Is it pre-Blue Monday blues? Who’s to say.

Anyway, here’s 5 reason why I feel down (and like a true loser):

1. I’m still not over my friend’s loss. Not even after writing him a heartfelt letter, to let go off emotions I shouldn’t hold on to. What doesn’t help is that the anniversary of his death is coming up on the 14^th

2. I can’t get my degu to eat. Fluffy buddy Ash has not been eating his dry food properly and it has me all kinds of nuts, stressed, sad and upset. Took him to the vet (had to call 4 before I found one who was willing to take on a – yikes! – degu) who checked him out, but all seems fine. And she checked him alright! My baby still won’t eat his pellets, though ☹ I changed food brands, so let’s hope that works

3. I might be as dumb as I look after all. I suspect one of my coworkers dislikes me. She’s prone to acting catty and I noticed she’s very short with me, yet very social with our other female coworker. For instance: I complimented her on her new dress, she said thanks, that’s it. Ten minutes later, unknowingly what had preceded, our other coworker does the same and voila! A conversation ensued about the new wardrobe addition.
I have started to feel uncomfortable around my Catty Coworker, which has led to me being uncomfortable around her, asking her one stupid question after another. In all honesty: I can’t blame her for not liking me. I don’t like myself when I’m around her

4. I AM STILL SINGLE! I mean come on Universe! You really want me to do all this Life Thing on my own? All of it? Hasn’t it been long enough? You must hate me ☹

5. I am still living at home, with my parents. What doesn’t help me dealing with this portion of my Lifetime Supply Of Shame is hearing people speak about how difficult it is to find a place nowadays. I mean, I can never buy. I don’t make enough money and my society is based on a two-person-earning-model anyway (see point 4 for added frustration on this matter).
Renting is the only chance I’ve got if I wish to move out before I’m 40, but considering one needs to be registered for at least 13 years before being eligible for a place…
I mean, I keep hitting the “I am interested”-button in my Rent-A-Place app, but at this point I’m starting to wonder what the actual point is.

I didn’t mean to start the new year all down and depressed. I mean, does anyone ever?

It’s just… 2024, if I’m honest, was too much. I’ve been leaned on by more than a handful of people and it’s made me topple over.

I’ll get back up, I’m sure.

But…

Not today.

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I’m writing a a collection of poems. It’s going to be called Solitude in Red and will span 13 months, going from October to October. The fourth theme is Acceptance and the poem up there is part of the collection.