Elle Vampa

too late
said Life
you missed
your chance
and now
your heart
will forever
be mine
and mine
alone

Elle Vampa

---

There are too many “should I’s” and “what ifs” to know where to begin. Is there a filter to put them in order, I wonder?

Then again, would it matter?

Should I have dated that one guy I didn’t really like when I was in college, the one which my at-the-time-so-called-“best-friend” referred to as my “final chance at love”?

I mean, I still think about him several times a week – every time I clean a toilet I’m reminded of Him Who Treated Me Like Sh*t. So, a major part of me is very happy I had enough self-worth to not date him, even at my post-depression-personal-growth-is-scary-phase.

Then again, I mean, what if Bitch Ex-Friend was right and he was my last option?

…

I think I’d still be better off alone.

And what about that guy I actually really fancied, like two centuries ago in high school? I knew he liked me, too!

Should I have forced myself out of my overly-shrunk-and-way-too-cramped-comfort-zone-due-to-depression, just for the sake of having my heart broken a few weeks later when he found a cuter girl to date?

What if I’d given him a try, bended myself broken in all ways, back in the days?

…

I think I’d still be alone right now. We’d never have made it.

Not sure what is worse, the should I’s or the what ifs, I decide to finally kill all Hope with my 38^th birthday coming up.

Thus far, I’ve managed to live a pretty loveless life. Not by choice, but by chance.

And chances are that might never change.

Not to sound depressed – been there, done that, returned the T-shirt. But let’s be realistic: if you’ve never had a boyfriend for an astonishing 38 years, where is the guarantee it will magically all work out someday soon?

There isn’t.

Because life is not a fairy tale (darn you, Disney, for ruining my perception of romance!). It’s beautiful, sure. But it can also be lonely.

The way I see it I have two options: keep playing around with Hope, trying to force-squeeze something out of Life that just doesn’t quite feel right – and end up alone and sorrowful.

Or give up. Leave it be. I’ll still be alone, but not as bitter.

Romance isn’t for everyone. And it’s time I accept that. Or at least acknowledge its inexistence in my life.

And you know what?

Doing so makes me feel less like a loser!

Because instead of hoping for something (or rather someone) to happen into my life so I can feel as complete as I assume an almost 38-year-old should feel, I can now stop worrying about what if it never happens.

For it hasn’t. And it might never.

And yes, I kind of hate Life for that (and that one “friend” who said that eww guy was my last chance at love). But… It’s Life.

I can’t manipulate it. I can only live it.

So I’m going to do so as best as I can.

Even if that means being forever alone.

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I’m pulling one over Life, as I’ve decided to write a book. Well, a collection of poems more like. It’s going to be called Solitude in Red and will span 13 months, going from October to October (guess what month I celebrate my birthday in ;)). The first theme is Time and the poem up there is part of the collection.