Elle Vampa

Here’s a few things I am convinced of:

1. GPS Navigation Systems were invented for people like me. Without mine, I’d constantly get lost and/or stranded and I’d never make it out of my hometown – or back home
2. I am a very peculiar person, not living a common life aka not necessarily experiencing what others do at the same time – if at all
3. FOMO has been invented only so I can address the physical sensations that overcome me when I’m confronted with a peer who’s doing much (much) better in life

Okay, Elle, Loser Queen Extraordinaire (when giving oneself a title, might as well go overboard), hang on! What happened?

I ran into an old school mate is what happened.

And I am not sure what was worse: that he recognised me immediately from a medium distance; that I revelled in his belly-growth, hair loss and, in general, his middle-aged look (whereas I am still being age-guessed late twenties, thankyouverymuch); seeing his two kids.

Okay, so, no: I don’t want children. But that’s not the point.

The point is that he lived his life while mine has been on hold.

(Which could explain why I can still pass for 10 years my own junior.)

My ex-schoolmate has grown up, gotten married and started a family. Sure, he’s still living in the same stupid town I’m stuck in, but he made the most of it. With what I guessed were at-least-a-9-and-a-7-year-old to show for it.

Plus, he was in my hardware store, buying all kinds of hardware things, to do all kinds of hardware stuff around his house with.

Whereas I have two left hands and absolutely no clue how I even landed this job (what the living BLEEP does a trencher do??). I just smile and wave, basically. People pay me to know nothing and bluff my way through the day.

(Note to self: must try poker again soon.)

Anyway. Old school mate. New kids. Old FOMO. New panic.

I just wish… I was further in life. You know?

Or maybe you don’t, because you’re living a fulfilled, loser-free life (I hope you are!).

When I was younger, however, I’d never in a million years imagined my life to turn out the way it did. Or rather: didn’t.

I feel stuck. As if the rest of the world is running around on a sunny beach and I am sinking deeper into quicksand with every step I take.

No boyfriend. No house. No decent job or financial success.

When will it change?

Some things never do. FOMO is always there, lurking behind every old acquaintance I encounter. I’ll always be weird and different, even if I’ve learned to embrace it. And without a GPS I feel lost wherever I attempt to go.

But it’s no use. For I know that even if life did come with a GPS, I’d steer my own course.

I’m like that saying:

When nothing goes right, go left.

I just hope I won’t end up being left out.