Elle Vampa

When I don’t feel all there mentally, I tend to hide that from my family and friends.

And myself.

Keen to ignore all unhappiness in my life (and body and brains), I avoid all acknowledgement of any discomfort whatsoever.

And I am expert at it! Look at me being good at something! My momma must be so proud…

However, this ignoring thing is mutual: I ignore any signs that tell me something’s wrong, and they ignore I ignore them – and keep building up.

It’s like that well-known quote:

If you listen to your body when it whispers, you won’t ever have to hear it scream

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However, my body doesn’t scream.

Well, maybe my back and foot do. But as for the rest of it, it’s precisely like its owner: always ready for payback.

Some of the signs my brains use to tell me I am NOT okay and I SHOULD get my head out of the sand (or the mud or whatever I am using to pretend I’m an ostrich) are, in random order:

• Exhaustion
• Emotional breakdowns
• Holes in my otherwise impeccable memory
• Failure in planning – instead of being perfectly synced with my agenda I keep booking double appointments or write down wrong dates/times
• Not wanting to get up in the morning
• Not wanting to go to bed in the evening
• Having tons of plans while I know I’m just going to be lulling about all day
• Making silly mistakes that would, should, and could have easily been avoided
• A choking feeling of panic attacking the back of my neck with needles, my forehead with a heavy aching (often eye-stingingly painful), salivary glands who seem to blow up and stop working (or do the contrary and make me produce more spit than must be normal), a heavy feeling on the chest and shallow breathing

Even if this is a random order, it is safe to say that when the choking feeling sets in, I’ve hit the final state of misery.

In terms of famous quotes: that is my body screaming.

Fact: I’ve been doing better lately. The exhaustion is diminishing, I cry less, and I get up with a little more vigour than before.

I was on the mend. Hurray!

And then…

• I find out I planned to go to the movies with a friend while I’m at work
• I told my mother I’ll be join a birthday dinner on Friday evening while I’m away
• I plan clients in while I have physical therapy and therapy when I’ve got friends coming over

Maybe this head-in-the-sand-pretending-I-am-a-giant-and-also-the-fastest-non-flying-bird-on-Earth-thing isn’t working out as well as I thought.

But wait… there’s a light!

A poppy along the dark path: instead of breaking down and cry, I heave three heavy sighs and write a blog post about it for relief’s sake.

And it’s working!

Healing can be a long process and I’m not there yet. But at least I am on my way.