Elle Vampa

Alice Cooper comes to mind as my Doctor Of Neuropathic Medicine (aka my “Nature Doctor”) explains why my vegan cheese is “about the worst thing to eat”.

I wanna love you, but I better not touch

NO MORE VEGAN CHEESE!?

Oh come on! What’s next? Eat broccoli??

EW!

It’s a watery Monday at a crowded-in-a-cozy-way office, yet the gentle sounds of the meditation-like music don’t weigh up to this harsh announcement.

Nature Doctor preens at her screen while imitating The Lord Of The Dance on her keyboard.

Although our first appointment was scheduled for late June, she had a spot opening up and offered it to me.

(Needless to say I took it. Hence this entire post.)

She’s just finished her first check-up of me and is now telling me how to get in better shape (mind and body-wise).

Her conclusion is so simple it’s complicated: I eat too much sugar.

As in: way, WAY too much. Secretly hidden sugar.

Like in the vegan cheese I have been living off on since abandoning cow dairy (read: real cheese)…

Nature Doctor does not use the B-word, but she does give me a very thick hand-out depicting the different food types I should avoid, eat moderately, or stuff my face full with.

Vegan cheese is in one of those categories – I’ll let you take a wild guess which one.

I wanna taste you but your lips are venomous poison

“Stick to this dietary plan that’s centered on vegetables, and you’ll start seeing results in 2-3 weeks.”

I call this plan Vegetables, Vegetables, Vegetables (V3). Luckily, I like veggies (with exception of aforementioned broccoli).

Who knows, maybe in three weeks I’ll be able to quote Hannibal Smith instead, munching on a carrot mimicking his signature cigar:

I love it when a plan comes together