Sleeploss Becomes Her

outstanding
all I ever wanted to be
from the same make
but to a different degree

I can’t accept myself
as one of the others
because I am my own

daffodils
trying to become roses red
the same soil their base
their growth differing as yet

I can’t accept myself
as a rose or a daffodil
because I am a poppy
Elle Vampa – Outstanding

Time speaks a foul truth: only five more minutes until I have to leave.

I swear I haven’t been this nervous about an appointment since my first ever visit to a psychologist over fifteen years ago.

This afternoon, I am seeing my haptonomist. She’s a lovely woman and we’ve already had one session to get me more in touch with my bodily sensations and emotions – something long overdue. However, I now face a New Massive Problem.

If my life were a Robin Hood story, my insomnia would be the main antagonist: Sheriff Sleepnomore.

Sheriff Sleepnomore has been forcefully keeping me entertained for well over a week now. Its cold long fingers of doom getting a stronger grip on me, raising the taxes of sleep on a nightly basis – So, you want sleep huh? How many melatonin pills are you willing to donate to that cause? I’ll squeeze out a few more, just for the fun of it! Muahaha!

Anyway, I digress. Point is: I am nervous. I have seen my doctor about my insomnia and he thinks it’s best if I go and see my old psychologist again. Yes, the one from fifteen years ago, but she also happens to be the one who helped me overcome the first Battle Of Insomnia that happened around 2021.

I don’t want to go back to her. Not because I don’t like her, I do. Not because she’s not skilled, because she is.

But because I’ve been there four years ago and you can’t begin to imagine how dumb I feel already, not being able to sleep again, let alone to try and perceive how dumb I’d feel to have her help me with being an insomniac again.

(“Why, Elle, have you not learned anything from last time?” – I mean, she’d never say it, but my head does and I don’t want it to become her thoughts, too.)

Added malus of not wanting to re-employ my psychologist is the current average waiting time of about 3-4 months of getting an appointment.

I can’t spend that long barely sleeping! I’ve had a few 4-6 hours nights and one with an astonishing and New Personal Low of less than 1.5 hours of sleep. I can’t do this for months! I need help now.

An hour later I feel exhausted. Not the type of exhaustion I’ve been living in for the past weeks, but a cozy kind of tiredness.

The one that says: “You earned it, girl! You worked hard, now go and relax.”

My haptonomist understands my issues completely. She maps them out the way she thinks it might be, and she hits more than a few nails right on the head.

With a lighter chest and in a happier state already (THE RELIEF!), I make my way home.

I have no doubt Sheriff Sleepnomore is going to make another appearance tonight – MORE TAXES!

But the doubt I had about defeating him has turned into trust.

Because like Robin Hood, I don’t fight alone.

I’m writing a a collection of poems. It’s going to be called Solitude in Red and will span 13 months, going from October to October. The fourth theme is Acceptance and the poem up there is part of the collection.