Elle Vampa

afraid of the lights
going out
everything growing
silent in peace
while I lay imprisoned
tied down by my personal phantoms
alone in a world that
doesn’t feel mine

Elle Vampa – Afraid of the Lights

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Considering how I am an unfortunate acquaintance of insomnia, it must not be hard for you to imagine the stress and anxiety feeding into my fears – what if this unwanted visitor returns?

Every time I do not fall asleep right after closing my book, I fear I am in for another sleepless run.

And last Tuesday was the second night within less than a week that had me counting down until dawn.

It’s the weirdest thing: I am on the brink of falling asleep and then WHAM I am brutally pulled out of my looming slumbers by a tingling sensation running down from the top of my head to my solar plexus, and sometimes all the way down to my toes.

Ever. Single. Time!

Normally good at putting fingers on sore places, I am at a loss this time. What is going on here? Is it my stomach that has been playing up again? Is it stress? Is it the bloody hormones again?

My head hurts and it’s so full of thoughts it feels like any second now I could explode.

It’s the funniest thing: I deal with stress in hindsight. As in: it hits me first, I push it out, I deal with it and then… it leaves. While wreaking havoc.

With thudding brains and a sour attitude I lay myself down for a good meditation. Some time during the obligatory relaxing I am forcing upon me, I cross my arms over my chest and hug myself.

This gives off such a nice, warm feeling to my raging stomach, it eventually settles.

Write out your frustrations to let go.

So I do. And I did.

And you know what?

I don’t feel any less stressed. My head is full and my heart is heavy.

But.

I sleep.