Elle Vampa

change
is coming
will pass by
and not look twice
before you retrace your steps
it strikes anew for
it is coming
around again
change

Elle Vampa

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Change. It’s making me exhausted.

Here’s a list of recent rapid changes:

• My dad’s health. About which I wrote this post.
  He’s been checked and thankfully it’s not Alzheimer’s disease. He has/had a bladder-issue; couldn’t empty it properly, causing the leftover urine and the toxins it contains to mess with his brains. He got treated, but:
  
• My dad is now in constant pain and complains 24/7. The latter is nothing new, but his grunting and sighing has reached a new level. One that makes me and my mother wonder what is real and what is attention-seeking. Trying to find that not-so-fine-line is difficult, and what doesn’t help is a layer of guilt topped over everything. I mean, we both thought my dad was being dramatic with running to the toilet 20 times an hour, and look how wrong we were about that!
  
• The marathon. Not just the marathon itself (which did leave me exhausted for half a week), but also being there with my friend. My friend who, when I dragged myself over the finish line, was not there cheering me on (like I’d have done for her), but was on her way to the shuttle buses – out of fear she’d miss them.
  
  In other words: if things had been slightly different, she’d have left me behind in an unknown French ville.
  
  That realisation hit me hard and I’m still trying to come to terms with that. Mainly because I’d never even have thought about leaving alone, had things been reversed.

• I got invited to view a house! I know!! OMG I might actually be moving out! Who’d have thought, in this lifetime! If one day the Earth shakes, please do not be afraid: it’s just me making the impossible come through. Or not, I mean, there’s more invitees. So we’ll see 😊
  
• My business. It’s been down and quiet and pretty much in a hardcore coma these last months. And it wasn’t until sometime this week when I asked the Universe for a sign to either quit or continue, that I found myself hoping they’d tell me to continue. Because I am not ready to give up.
  I think that’s about all the signs I need. So I’ve been putting in some more hours and love into building my practice into something beautiful.
  
• And then there’s me feeling fat, bloated, and ugly. Nothing too funny, because it happens monthly. But… I’m fed up with feeling like this. So I’ve picked up a training regime and now try to work out every day, for at least 30 minutes. It doesn’t matter what I do, as long as I move for at least half an hour.

Reading this list back brings back the exhaustion. I’ve got so many plans, emotions and worries, it’s a miracle I’m still standing.

But I am. And I will.

Because, as I now truly know, you don’t win a marathon by going too fast.

You finish it by going strong and steady.