yearning for freedom
Elle Vampa
sunlight never within reach
until I let go
Anger
It’s burning away inside, like a fiery fuel. Instead of making me feel energized, it’s leaving my soul in ashes, having to make do with running on fumes.
How I get by is beyond me. I must be stronger than I give myself credit for.
Even if you’re not claiming my energy, demanding it to use as you see fit, you still find a way to drain me daily.
You are not here, yet you are everywhere.
I wish I could slap you.
Connect my palm to your cheek with all the strength, all the rage I have in me. Just let it out, send it back to where it came from.
Disappointment
Why why why why why why why why why why why?
What went wrong? Was my knowledge insufficient? When did my best turn into not good enough?
Why do you insist on punishing me? Have I not cried enough tears over you?
Why don’t I get closure? Where is my happiness in all this? I deserve it!
Why am I unable to fix this? I must be weaker than I give myself credit for.
What have I ever done to you but carry your burdens better?
Disappointment
I am tired. I am so very tired.
If only sleep would rejuvenate like it advertises.
My soul is in distress, my heart broken into countless pieces that I never had time to collect.
Because I was busy mending yours.
Loving you was empty. You gave me nothing, yet left me with all that you chose not to bear.
The way you fooled me makes me angry. Disappointed and sad. The Unholy Trinity of hurt.
Lingering under my skin, it was easy to deny these emotions. But they’re out now.
I will fix myself. Because I can. And because it is my responsibility to.
After all, it was you who showed me how to be responsible, wasn’t it? You never were, so I had to be.
Therefore, I will employ everything you’ve ever forced me to become, to become better.
A better person. A better daughter. A better friend.
And maybe, one day, to you: a better sister.
Because despite all the pretty words, right now…
I still only want to slap you.
Elle Vampa 