Out of nowhere, I flail my trustworthy sword at the unwilling, impenetrable wall and…
Break it.
This time I actually break it.
A little out of breath, but more so surprised at my own actions and strength, I watch the dark blue bricks falter under the impact of the hit.
It starts with a crack running from high top to low bottom. Then, before I know it, the wall splinters into every direction possible and the sudden flood of daylight overwhelms me first, then envelops me quickly after.
Finally.
In this particular meditation/visualization, I went to the darkest place I know: the reason I cannot find love.
As it turns out, it was a very cold place, in a very dead part of a pitch-black forest, guarded by an unseen force and an impenetrable massive wall.
I’ve spent almost my entire meditation pleading with the invisible enemy that has kept me locked up in here since birth to tell me why these walls are up. And can’t they maybe, perhaps, pretty please, open a door? Or a window. Just slightly. A little ajar is all I ask for.
Surely, after a lifetime of loneliness, I am allowed a little love to come my way?
Yet, there is no response. NOTHING.
I am being ghosted by my own imagination! OF ALL THINGS!
Go figure.
If there is anything, though, that has a quicker way of driving me towards my psycho-side than ghosting, I have yet to discover it.
So, just as I am about to give up after what appears to be another fruitless plea-party to my inner beings, something unplanned happens.
I do the unimaginable: I grab a sword (because in my visualizations I am a proper Do Not Mess With Me Queen, thankyouverymuch) and I flail it at the taunting wall.
And the unbreakable, darned thing falters under the force of my weapon and the strength of my will.
I open my eyes and feel confused.
I didn’t know I could do that.
During the days that follow, I keep checking the wall and find its wound to be unmendable. In fact, is it my imagination (again) or is the hole growing bigger?
There’s no going back this time. That wall is going down – for good.
There is sunlight, there are flowers, there are birds singing…
Does this mean that maybe, finally, I, too… could find love?
Elle Vampa 