Elle Vampa

i used to move unnoticed
like a shadow in the dark
present but unobserved
attached yet never held

struggling to make me be seen
fighting myself out of hiding
resurfacing before dawn
naked to the oldborn eye

peculiar as I may seem
stranger than my vision still
is unwanted muteness
my voice a skill unheard

Elle Vampa

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If you’d asked me ten years ago what my secret super power was, I’d have said: “Invisibility.”

My standard remark would have been added as a post verbatim: “If only I knew martial arts, then I could have been a ninja.”

Invisibility was my way of surviving high school, where I was tortured by means of bullies – they loved it, me not so much. By not appearing on their radar, I managed to dodge most of their attacks.

If I had been a ninja, well… I’d probably be in prison still 😉

Anyway, ten years is quite a while and I’ve become slightly more visible since then. Minus the slightly, because… Look at me!

Here I am, getting all kinds of noticed!

New job, new degree, new clients, new friends, new people noticing me every time I take another step into the light.

My fictitious ninja colleagues would be very disappointed in me. But hey, what can I say. I suppose I am done lurking in the shadows.

It’s just that… nobody told me that vision and hearing are two different things to practice.

I mean, it’s nice that people see me and all, but I very strongly feel they don’t really hear me.

On accounts of people literally cutting me off, not paying attention when I speak, and not remembering what I’ve said.

I’ve grown accustomed to not being heard. So much so, that when I was relating a phone call to my colleagues (the real ones, not the fictitious ninjas) and the cleaners came barging in, interrupting my story, I automatically assumed the role of mute.

I stopped talking mid sentence and went back to work as if nothing had ever been said.

Much to my coworkers’ dismay (and humour), for they started laughing and calling me out – they wanted to hear the end of the tale!

I am not sure what shocked me more: coming face to face with my automated physical response to feeling unheard, or having people ask me to finish my story.

I’ve worked incredibly hard to defeat my involuntary invisibility, for I thought being seen was all I wanted.

Yet now I discover that spotlights alone don’t enlighten. And being seen without being heard is giving me all kinds of ninja flashbacks.

The bad ones. And also they’re kind of mute.

Whenever I get interrupted, I feel like hiding away again. Shutting up by shutting down. Don’t be there, become the shadow and Back Away Unnoticed.

But… I don’t want to be a ninja anymore (unless it’s a colourful one from the Power Rangers series – dibs on the yellow outfit!).

Revel in my vision, focus on my speech.

I’ve got a long road ahead of me…

Yet!

The road behind me is even longer still.

And at least I no longer have to move in the shadows. So my pace is up, my chin is high, and watch hear out World, for here I come!