8.42 am
The World is awake, street noises are travelling upwards through my half-opened window.
More than ever I feel disconnected to what is happening “out there”, as my only wish is to remain asleep. Be blissfully unaware of all and everything.
But the noises cease to fade (SHUT UP), and my alarm clock gives me an imaginary wink, proving even its digits are more actively involved than I am.
The past few weeks have been rough. I’ve been up to my old tricks, as I’ve mentioned, but there’s more.
That feeling I am not good enough, that nobody likes me and that I am a total, fraudulent LOSER keeps winning ground.
What is wrong?
Last night, while struggling to fall asleep after a tedious day meeting all kinds of tedious people I am sure I’ll hardly (if ever) see again, the Truth hit me: I am out of place.
Systemic Theory says: we all have our own position within our family. If you’re in the correct spot you feel fine. If you are not, you feel all kinds of bad.
How did I not see I wasn’t in place?
11.47am
My quest is simple: take out my new, hand-painted wooden figurines and do a constellation for myself.
With a determination set sharper than my alarm clock, I roll up my sleeves and set about to grant myself some much needed self-healing.
Then my Survival Skills kick in: But I don’t want to go there, they plead with my spirit mentor, Mr. Hellinger himself. Simultaneously, they open the locks to my tears and let the water flow. You know, to make a stronger case and all.
And I am not sure if it’s Bert answering me, but there’s a voice in my head that replies: The only way to heal is to visit the pain, for inside the problem is where you’ll find the solution.
(Which is kind of infuriating, considering those are my own words – I mean, it’s good to be right, but it’s annoying to have your own quotes used against you.)
So I give in. I do the constellation, and I see where I went wrong: I hid my emotions. Ran away from them, afraid of feeling the pain of my friend’s passing.
I’m not ready to let him go, you know?
But… By not talking about it, by not asking people for compassion and love, I was doing exactly that what cost my friend his life: being stubborn.
I have to go through these emotions. It’s part of my life, I have no choice.
But I forgot I don’t have to do it alone.
So I put my figurines away and turn to my mother for help.
And before I can finish my question, she’s already got me wrapped in a tight embrace.
“I am your mother,” she tells me, “This is my job. And I love that, because I love you.”
I’m on my way back. Back to my “spot”, my place, my position.
And it’s a much easier road to travel now I know someone’s been waiting for me to return, keeping my seat warm.
Elle Vampa 