The First Week
I told myself this is normal. I was awaiting my friend’s reply. If I didn’t hear from her, I could not inform my deceased friend’s brother when we’d plan to visit the grave.
Even without a reply, reluctance to contact, well, anyone kept growing. Because:
- I didn’t want to pester my friend to Get A Move On, knowing she was grieving, too
- I didn’t want to talk to my deceased friend’s brother, knowing he was grieving, too
- I didn’t want to reach out to any of my clients or have any of them reach out to me. Typing up the simplest reply to a short e-mail appealed as much to me as being run over by a steamroller – equally crushing and exhausting
By keeping myself engaged at all times, I could pretend all was well.
Just stick my head in the sand; hear nothing, see nothing, absolutely do nothing.
This strategy has proven to be quite effective over the years, and has never ceased to appeal. Head + sand = happy denial.
The Second Week
My guilt started growing.
Surely the brother wanted a reply from me? After our initial contact, we’d agreed I’d keep in touch, to let him know when me and my friend were ready to come pay our respects.
Hear his story of the loss, console each other, and let him take us to the final resting place.
Why do I always have to take care of things? Let someone else deal with this for a change!
The guilt mixed with anger, disbelief, hurt, sadness, grief, selfishness, and helplessness. And it became some sort of witch’s concoction that was stirring madly inside of me.
As it turns out, I was (am) not ready to say goodbye to my friend. I’m just not.
Having to conjure up another message to keep in touch with someone who’s taken an even deeper dive in the River Of Grief, quite frankly, was beyond my abilities.
So I fell quiet. And simply let the World spin for a few weeks.
Because I am not a witch, I can’t do magic.
I can’t make myself act normal and rational right now, because the situation isn’t normal or rational.
I am hurt, I am grieving. And this is the way I – apparently – do that.
In a meditation/crying fit, I wondered what Bert Hellinger would tell me to do…?
Then I sighed and bowed my head.
I bowed my head to Life, because sometimes that is the only thing we can do: acknowledge that what is.
Or in this case: that what is no more.
I’m not sure it was magic or not (what do you know, maybe I’m a witch after all!), but by bowing my head down I managed to pull it free out of the sand.
For today, my heart feels a tiny bit lighter.
I am not there yet, but who knows.
Perhaps before the weekend starts, I’ll be able to press send.
Elle Vampa 