Elle Vampa

Let me share my wisdom with you by teaching you how to grow as a Loser in two simple steps:

Step 1 – Get pet degus

What are degus you ask? Good question. Apart from utterly cute pets I had no idea what more I was getting myself into. I thought they were merely slightly-bigger-than-gerbils-that-live-longer-than-most-other-rodents…

Well, they’re not. They’re hyperactive, hypersensitive and hyperverbal. And weird (I saw one of them lick the gully their cage doors slide through to fetch some stray hay. Lick!).

All of the above makes me want to love them forever and spoil them rotten (except maybe for the hyperactive part – coming to that in a sec).

In order to diminish their seemingly endless supply of energy, I bought them a treadmill.

That worked fine – for about 3 days. Then they started to fight over who got to use it.

So my next move was to buy them a running disc. A vertical treadmill on which they can both run at the same time.

And it worked! They loved it and peace was restored.

…

Until one managed to get its tail stuck between the disc and… GOODNESSKNOWSWHAT!

I placed the disc somewhere safe – free of any obstacles! I have NO idea what happened!

Yet, I find my degu on the disc, gnawing its own tail tip off, because he injured himself. There was blood everywhere!

Loser result: my degu’s tail end had to be amputated… :(

The whole event cost me a small fortune in money and a much larger sum in near heart attacks, but my buddy is doing well. As if nothing’s happened…

Step 2 – Go work for HR

So we have a small team, right? And I desperately want to fit in, right? And I mayyybe keep forgetting I’m an idiot for trying too hard, right?

Last Tuesday, we had our first weekly meeting, and even if my boss asked us to prepare for it, I somehow thought he didn’t really expect me to, well, prepare…

Loser result: a grumpy, unimpressed boss. Yikes! Right before the ending of my contract, this might not have been my best move…

But the Absolute Pearl of these lessons, my dear reader, happened last Wednesday.

On the day after I singlehandedly ended a former hardware store coworker’s contract (with mutual approval), I took my dad to the place where it all began.

And while he browsed the store I caught up with another former colleague who was womanning the service desk.

I THOUGHT SHE KNEW

“We’re short on hands,” she complained.

“Yea, and what doesn’t help is that […] is leaving,” I replied, assuming that’s what she was hinting at.

Two eyebrows shot up (not mine) and a voice (not mine) said: “Oh, he’s leaving?”.

In my best Irish: FECK!!

Loser result: accidentally spilling news you were not meant to share with anyone – not even with the people you thought already knew.

The soon-to-be ex-employee was present as well and I told him of my blunder. He was cool about it.

But as unprofessional comes, I got this week beat.

And it’s not even over yet…