Elle Vampa

I’m not sure what it’s supposed to mean when you find yourself lying awake at night, pondering from A to Z, and the only way to fall asleep is by imagining you’re strangling your sister.

(To my defence, while I was doing so, I felt guilty because I don’t actually want to harm her.)

But it must have made me feel good some subconscious way or other, because I was out in less than 5 minutes after closing my fantasized hands around her fantasized neck.

Sororicide causes sleepy side-effects, I suppose…

Elle, hold on. WHY on EARTH would you imagine strangling your estranged sister?

Well, funny story; I’m trying to let go of my negativity towards her.

I don’t think I’m very successful, though…

Through meditation I thought I could let go of all my negative feelings.

However, what really happened was I discovered I’d placed both my sisters on the wrong side of me.

Quick side note: I work with family systems, and every person in every family has their own place in their family system. If you’re not in the correct spot, chances are this will negatively affect you

My sisters should have been on my right side, as they came before me, but I felt them on my left side. This means that in my family system, I’ve switched places with – take a wild guess – my eldest sister!

You know, the one who’s estranged and all.

Ding ding ding!

(That’s some coins dropping.)

This meditation unleashed some sort of anger I didn’t realise I had in me.

SHE STOLE MY SPOT!

It’s a systemic “rule”:

Older children are generally more responsible and help look after younger siblings. Younger children generally receive more attention, but tend to take care of parents who grow old.

My sister and I swapped places, albeit unwantedly.

She lived a carefree life, with everyone always worrying about her. Avoiding responsibilities left and right – because she could. Well, she just did.

I, on the other hand, have never not felt responsible! I was born worrying about my family in general and my eldest sister in particular, fixing their problems all around – because I thought I was supposed to!

Despite being incredibly angry, I still care for my sister. But she needs to stop taking my spot – and pointing her little finger to blame me for all of her own faults, mistakes and bad decisions.

Because that finger did more harm in real life than my imagined hands around her imagined neck ever could.