Elle Vampa

Dear Elle,

We’ve had such lovely contact a while ago and you helped me out greatly with starting up my own business by answering all my questions in what you thought was an innocent interview, but what in fact was a secret sales pitch.

Thank you again for your time and politeness!

In return, I’d like to help you, too! Did you know about the benefits of Omega 3 or Omega 6???

Because you and I both value our health, it’s essential I talk to you again, to try and sell you more sh*t you don’t need. Obviously, I do not care how many times you’ve told me I’d never make a client out of you, considering the emails I’ve continued to send you in the past about my overpriced and uninteresting coaching programs.

Truth is, I need cash. I’ve found a new way to make some and I need you, as my unwilling participant on this impromptu mailing list, to say yes to my aggressive sales behaviour.

So without any further ado: when can I call you next week?

So much for helping out a fellow coach by sharing my story with her.

What to do? Politeness has gotten me into this mess, and so far it hasn’t helped me out of it.

Nastiness isn’t my thing – although I DO write very vicious letters of complaint, mind you. But this time I don’t have the law on my side. Sadly, she, as a business, has every right to commercially harass me, as a business.

I tried ignoring her but that didn’t work, either.

What. To. Do?

Every other option exhausted, I do the unimaginable:

I respond with my own sales pitch.

Dear […],

Thank you so much for reaching out to me in these grave times. I have been able to help you in the past, which is what reassures me I can do it again for you, now.

I CAN HELP YOU!

A high performance drive often indicates a bad relationship with one’s father, and in your case I think I can help you heal this with only 13 heavily overpriced sessions.

Forget all the Omegas, your healing needs to come from within.

I know time is of the greatest essence, so I have added you to my agenda for this Friday! Don’t be late!

Healing regards,

Elle