Elle Vampa

People in a relationship can be extremely rude.

At the worst times, too. Always when you least expect it and are otherwise engaged.

My chef turned out to be a pro at this.

He’s in an annoyingly happy relationship with someone he wins penis plushies for at carnivals. Just painting a picture here (you’re welcome – and yes, stuffed penis animals is a new rage. I don’t get it either, but I suppose it’s better than stuffed animal penises).

Anyway, here I am. Minding my own business in the staff area, eating my brought-from-home dinner. Because let’s face it: the free dinners provided by my work are, well, tasteless.

Right there and then, my only cares in the world consist of: how do I get this food into my mouth without looking like a total Neanderthal? And: How do I read my book without spilling food on it?

It is that precise moment my penis-plushie-collecting chef, sitting to my left and struggling with his not-brought-from-home-dinner (ha! I hope he feels even worse after eating it) chooses to whirl The Most Annoying Question To Ever Ask People Who Are Single In Their Thirties my way:

“So, Elle, have you ever even had a boyfriend?”

Time seems to stop as I simultaneously drop my fork, half choke on my food, roll my eyes, and feel my cheeks flame up red with shame. Oh, and my neck’s on fire, too. Obviously.

WHAT IS IT? Is there something on my forehead I don’t know about?

A message in invisible ink that reads something like: I HAVE NO LOVE LIFE. PLEASE INQUIRE TO INCREASE YOUR OWN SELF-ESTEEM AT THE COST OF MINE.

What the living f…?

Ask me if I have a partner, sure. But why insinuate I’ve never had one? Only because I am 36 and alone?

Now, to be completely honest: this question has been around longer than my boyfriends.

Which I have had, by the way. Just saying I am not completely without any form of romantic experience.

Although, within a time span of 36 years I am not sure how heavy 12 weeks count…

Normally, in these interview situations in which the other party happily trods all over my personal boundaries, I do the most horrid thing ever.

I explain why I am single.

As if I got pulled over and try to talk myself out of getting a speeding ticket.

But here’s the hidden poppy of today: old tricks die hard, right? Turns out I have more than one of those up my sleeve. And this evening, my chef gets served the other ancient trick.

Which for his sake I hope tasted better than his dinner.

Instead of giving an awkward response, I turn the tables by asking him all kinds of awkward questions:

Do you have any children? Why not? How long have you been in your relationship? And you’re not married yet? Time to make a move, my friend!

I found out that, much like the horrible food at work, payback is a dish best served reheated.

Yes, people in a relationship can be extremely rude. But as it turns out, so can unhappy singles in their 30’s.